Japan: You will never find a greater hive of weird porn and whatthefuckery.

So a friend and I–he says I should refer to him as BaconMouth (which I believe is his site here)–had a conversation. It went like this.

thegeeklord (11:00:03 PM): http://agtp.romhack.net/project.php?id=madou

thegeeklord (11:00:06 PM): This game is retarded.

thegeeklord (11:00:13 PM): YOU GET ANY ONE WISH

thegeeklord (11:00:22 PM): So what will be the wish I shall work for?

thegeeklord (11:00:24 PM): World peace?

thegeeklord (11:00:30 PM): All stupid people to be genocided?

thegeeklord (11:00:35 PM): (Which also leads to world peace)

thegeeklord (11:00:55 PM): NOPE, I’m going to go wish for a fucking certificate a kindergardener needs to take a final exam!

thegeeklord (11:00:57 PM): …

thegeeklord (11:00:58 PM): Wait

thegeeklord (11:00:59 PM): What

kingunokin (11:01:04 PM): …

kingunokin (11:01:06 PM): Final exam?

kingunokin (11:01:10 PM): Kindergarden?

thegeeklord (11:01:13 PM): I just

thegeeklord (11:01:15 PM): I don’t even

kingunokin (11:01:20 PM): What the fuck Japan?

kingunokin (11:01:35 PM): I need a T-shirt with ^

Unfortunately, what I said up there is NOT an exaggeration. There is literally a game where you play as a kindergardener going to get a certificate she needs to take her final exams–for some reason. I dunno about you guys, but I don’t think rewarding hard work with more hard work is really the way to go with schooling. Sure, it prepares them for the magical thing known as “real life,” but it’s just not motivational, y’know?

Where was I? Oh yeah, Japan. Now, I think Japan is an interesting place. Being American, the difference in culture is a fascinating thing to watch. To me, and to every other person in the western hemisphere, Japanese culture is bizarre beyond all reason.

For those of you who haven never seen an anime, read a manga or played a Japanese video game, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. The best recommendation I can give you is to go play Persona 4–though I recommend that all the time. It does give you a really good idea of what Japan can get away with while being entirely straight-faced about it. Give this to an American developer and they’d claim it’s a comedy game, not because of how silly it is, but because they did it straight-faced the whole time. Y’know, like Bulletstorm.

Let’s not even get into their porn, which contains everything from dickgirls, to tentacles that inexplicably act exactly like oversized sentient penises, to that-doesn’t-fucking-go-there, to that-baby-doesn’t-go-there-you-sick-fuck. Yes, I have, in fact, stumbled upon some very, very strange shit. I’ve found this stuff so often that really it just doesn’t phase me anymore. But if you were to show it to anyone who hasn’t seen what is commonly called “otaku” culture, then they’ll probably throw up and punch you in the face for showing it to them. Which they rightly should.

Another thing that’s weirdly interesting to watch is Japan’s take on American culture. I’m sure at least some of you reading this have heard of this little gem. But there’s a bit more.

If you’ve always wondered what a really bad horror movie would look like as game, perhaps 2001’s ILLBLEED can help. It’s… Interesting. Linked is a Let’s Play of the game by a quality LPer, who attempts to show as much of the game as possible–which is good, because nobody fucking owned a Dreamcast.

By the same LPer we have his playthrough of 2010’s Deadly Premonition, a cheesy game that seems to be stuck trying to be a really bad TV show. Hey, it’s different than a really bad horror movie, right? It is in the fact that ILLBLEED had some everlasting impact on me other than laughter. Fucking Banballow, haunting my nightmares and all that.

Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make here–and barely doing a good job at–is that Japan is a very strange place full of many strange things. It’s not just their anime, manga, and games–it’s the culture itself. They apparently found a way to make artificial beef out of human shit (google it yourself, I’m really not bothered), and they also invented a blowjob machine for sperm donors. No, really.

Have fun with your nightmares, kiddies! And take comfort in the fact that I’ll probably be talking about this more in the future. Geek out–and I’m well aware of how lame a pun that is.

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